You may only know me from my articles about fashion, makeup and beauty, and trust me, I would much rather be writing about that right now but quite frankly, I don’t think people are too concerned on how to do a bomb winged liner or how to dress up that Little Black Dress for date night right now. I think people are trying to figure out what on earth is happening in this world right now and trying to just stay afloat from day to day. And, while I’ve definitely been going through those very same emotions, there was just something else going on in my mind that I could not seem to figure out and I am going to go out on a limb here and guess you are still trying to decipher some of these strange feelings you are having right now too. So, let me enlighten you.
I’ve heard it many times before from therapists and from reading way too many self help books to count, “You have to name it tame it.” What they mean by that, is until we recognize what the heck is going on inside of us, it is very difficult to manage those feelings. I have been trying to put my finger on this feeling I have been having for the past few weeks and I have finally figured out what it is. Grief. I am grieving over this pandemic and there is a good chance you are too.
We know the world is changing right in front of our eyes. We know that things will likely never be the same, we just don’t know what that actually will look like yet. There is fear of the economic downturn, the loss of connection with friends and family and the loss of our “normal” that we have become so comfortable with. We feel like we are being hit from every different angle, and the abnormal part is that we are feeling this collectively, all over the world that just adds to the heavy feeling lingering in the air. As a society, we are not used to this much collective grief and it is extremely difficult to navigate feelings you have never felt before.
There are many different types of grief, but the one I think we are experiencing the most right now, whether we recognize it or not, is anticipatory grief. What is anticipatory grief? It’s really just a fancy name, in my opinion, for anxiety. We are thinking about what COULD happen instead of what IS happening right now. We are thinking about our parents getting sick from this, or our friend’s immune-compromised baby that you kept meaning to go and visit contracting this, or losing our homes, our wealth, our safety, our “normal”.
By no means am I a therapist or a professional in this department, hey, I sell lipstick for a living. But, I have certainly had my share of grief and I am quite confident to say that there are ways to manage these feelings and to get through this craziness stronger than ever. I want to also stress that I am not suggesting you minimize or ignore these feelings but what I am suggesting is that you find a healthy way to work through them.
First let’s identify the five stages of grief to better help us understand how to manage them. Keep in mind, there are five stages, but rarely do they ever go in order. You may jump around in the grief cycle so just remember that is normal.
Five Stages of Grief:
Denial. “ This won’t affect me, the media is blowing this way out of proportion, everyone just needs to calm down,” If you’re anything like me, this was my initial reaction to the virus and I stayed there for a while.
Anger: “How dare the government dictate if I am allowed to see my friends and family. How dare they cancel school and leave me to teach my kids. How dare the airline cancel my flight.” Are any of these thing sounding familiar to you?
Bargaining: “Okay, I will follow the rules, but only for the mandatory two weeks, then it’s back to life as normal.”
Sadness: “I miss my friends and family, I want this to end, I’m lonely, I’m scared I won’t fit into my pants for much longer with all these quarantine snacks (that’s supposed to be funny"), I miss my old life.”
Acceptance. “Holy Moly. This is actually happening. This is serious. How do we get through this in a healthy way?”
So how do we manage these racing thoughts, the fear of the unknown and sometimes even the physical pain that comes along with it?
Get Present. Yup, it’s really that simple. When you start to feel your heart race, or your palms get sweaty or your mind going into the future “what ifs”, GET PRESENT. Look around you. Name five things in the room (I SWEAR this stuff works you guys - It is not hocus pocus - well, actually I don’t know WHAT it is, but it WORKS). I see a chair, a water bottle, a coffee mug, a foot stool, a desk. Recognize that in THIS moment, you are okay. In THIS moment, nothing you have anticipated happening (losing your home, losing your parents….whatever you are thinking) has happened. At this moment, you are right here, sitting in your soft chair, reading this babbling blog from a beauty blogger about anxiety, and you are okay. Breathe. Breathe deep. Then do it again.
Another attitude that may be helpful to adopt is, “Accept the things you can not change.” I must admit, I was slightly ragey when I went to our local grocery store and I witnessed people chatting it up like it was a bloody country club, or people shopping with their entire families, basically just people not following the rules. But, I brought myself back to sanity when I remembered this: You can not control the behavior of other people. What you do have control over is washing your hands, staying away from them but placing an online grocery order next time, setting boundaries; whatever you need to do. You CAN control those things. Focus on what you CAN control, rather than on what you CAN NOT.
And lastly, remember that these feelings have to move through us. It is okay to feel them, in fact, you HAVE to allow yourself to feel them because bottling them turns those little rage monkeys into gorillas and you will eventually explode. And more than likely, you will be exploding on the people in your life that are closest to you that don’t deserve it. Let yourself be sad for a few minutes, recognize what you are feeling, do your “present” exercises and get on with your day. Whatever that looks like for you right now.
Friends, we will get through this. I believe we will not just get through this, we will all grow from this. We are being tested on so many levels and forced to grow in areas we never imagined growing in, like how to teach your eight year old math…. (what in the WORLD is going on with this “new math” business?). I promise you, if you focus on the good, the little moments, the pause, the possible “reset” - I think our lives will look a little different when this is all over. A good different. Longer snuggles with our kids, deeper connections with our spouses, new family traditions, genuine connections with our friends, a slower pace and a deeper appreciation for our freedom.
